wildflower

I don’t normally blog twice in a week, let alone twice in day.  At least, I haven’t for a very long time.  But, I am anticipating some very rough roads ahead, as of today, and getting a jump on things in order to not have to bare you all with reading a 4 or 5 page blog in the very near future.

I didn’t bother blogging about this before, because, I looked at it as if I did, I was being selfish… But, I just got off the phone, with my niece.

For those of you who don’t know, I am a huge Bruce Springsteen fan…have been going to see him since I’m 15 years old.  Well, anyway, I do not go out often. (Often, is a huge understatement), more like never.  Well, anyway…the story goes like this….

My brother gave me two tickets on Christmas, for his concert this past July, 31.  I was thrilled, and anticipated a great time with both of my brothers, who also had tickets.  Problem was, my husband works so many hours, so he couldn’t go.  So, to not let a great ticket go to waste, I asked my niece…after all…I was thinking it would make her happy, to go.

Well, you have to understand one thing before I go any further.  I love this kid with all my heart. (and, yes, I still do think of her as a kid).  She is only 4 years younger than I….and her sister is 6 months older than me…meaning, my mother and sister were pregnant at the same time.  So, we grew up together.  She had a very tough life, with her father, (who, my sister later on, divorced).  But my niece (the younger one), is still suffering.  I knew this, before asking her to go, but, thought, for some reason, she would be on her best behavior, knowing, how much this meant to me, and honestly, never saw before, what I witnessed that evening.

Anyway, a night that I thought would bring many happy memories, turned into me being the designated driver, let alone…having to chase, carry, coerce by any means to keep her from jumping out of a moving vehicle.  On top of that, my glasses which I had just bought, were knocked into the fans…$300.00 gone, and so is my eyesight.  And, I do not anticipate seeing anytime soon, as there isn’t any money left to even bother.  Thank God I’m near-sighted.

All this, because, she has had an alcohol problem for a very long time, only now, I believe, she has chosen to add prescription drugs into the mixture.  Now, I am no judge, nor jury, and knowing my sister is not in the best of health…(my sister is now 64)…I chose to let this pass…until today….when I spoke to my niece’s sister.  Please, lets, leave it alone, that my two brothers, are pissed off beyond belief, and will not even bother speaking to me! Yes, me!…(did I mention, that my family is absolutely insane?!)

Crazy….family, I mean…but she needs our help, so here we go jump into another family scenerio, where it will take time from myself, from my kids, from my husband and all the million other things, that need to be done and that just this morning, I thought was a window of opportunity, for me to get and stay on track.

But, that’s what it means to be a part of a family, to be there when you need them, to help them when they are down, and do whatever possible to help them succeed in this life.  She is a beautiful person, with a big heart, and so worth rescuing from what she has been going through all these years.  It’s time to take the plunge, and do whatever it takes…although we all know, she will not handle this well….not at all.  And will more than likely, lead us all on a trail of tears.

To be honest, I’m terrified.  We were always close, and now I think she will see me as someone who is against her.  I don’t want her to feel like we are attacking her, yet, I don’t want to see her continue to hurt herself, (or her little girl, who is 5 1/2).  She tries very hard to be a good mother, but spends most nights camping out over other friends’ houses so she won’t have to drive home, and is almost always looking for a baby-sitter.  Until she gets through this, I’m asking that you pray for her, and for my family to help her through this.  I will once again, stand in the sidelines, pray, and help in any way I can.  I wish I could focus on myself at the same time, but I know all too well how this will all pan out. 

Like I said, prayers would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for reading.

Hiya Buddies!

Yes, It’s been a while, since I actually took some time for myself, to sit and write about what has been going on in my life.  It seems I’ve lost my way, and am now finally ready to try and find my way back.  About 4 months ago, I took a wrong turn, and followed the wrong path straight to Frustration Road, (due to some unexpected medical disasters).  Which, in turn led me downtown to Feelsorryforyourself Street, and while I was there, my touristy side kicked in.  I decided to stay a while, take in the sights and in the meantime, gained back some pounds, (14 to be exact).  Finally, tired of seeing and doing the same old thing day after day, I then moved on, made a left at SelfLoathing Avenue, and finally wound up smack dab in the middle of Depressionville, USA.  Where I have been residing for quite a while now.

I have to say, it really is very easy to lose your way, once you make that first wrong turn.  And yet, none of these routes were easy ones to go down.  Honestly, it would have been easier to climb Mt. Everest, and in doing so I would have at least lost all the weight I had originally intended to lose, in the first place.  Not sure exactly what has changed my mind these past few days, but I am ready to move on once again, to a place I will call…ForMe Street. 

I want to get back on the path to success, not only with weight loss, but with my life in general.  I want to smile again, laugh again, fight through any pain I’m having, and not give up.  Basically, I want to be the best person I can be, in every way possible.  I want to live the dream, that so many others have.  To be happy and healthy and see those that I love also be happy and healthy.

Yes, I do have many things to be thankful and grateful for, but I no longer want to overlook those things or take them for granted.  And by taking care of me, I know I will appreciate them even more then I do now, those gifts given to me, and see everything and everyone in a whole new light.

Time for changes once again.

I am worth fighting for.  It’ll be fine, may be a little bit of a rough journey, but I will get over each and every bump in the road.  And, this time I do not plan on getting lost.  Better said, I know I will definitely NOT get lost.  I now have GPS.

God. Prayers. Strength.

The sun rose once again this morning, only today it was a bit brighter.  So, I’m going to take advantage of this beautiful day and soak up all the Vitamin D, I possibly can.

See you all at the beach!

Life’s too short to shut the world out.

Stay well everyone!

Trying my best to commit to blogging, so I can stay focused and not make the same mistake twice.  So, just a few lines about what has been going on with me lately.

Hmmm…old, well, more like older, I guess that would be me.  Maybe, not so much in spirit, but definitely in the physical sense.  Still waiting for that one moment, when I’ll feel as though I can physically transform back to when I was 20 years old.  Strong, healthy, and nothing holding me back.  I want to stay positive, but I’m finding it just a bit hard to get through the pain.  My newest, (well, not really so new, it has been about a month now, that I can’t really use my left arm)…sort of ridiculous really, as I don’t recall hurting it…in fact, I know I didn’t, it just started hurting and kept getting worse.  I so need to find a new doctor, his advice…to get an x-ray…even though in his words… “It probably won’t show anything, but we’ll go from there”.  But, whatever.

NEW!….well, just recently spent $1,000 fixing my car, putting on 4 new tires, and a new A/C system.  And….it died, from some other illness.  So, taking a leap of faith, disgusted with never-ending car problems, we went out and bought a new car.  Now, that was a leap of faith, if I ever heard one, or could just be a really stupid decision.  Being that it will be a huge struggle to have this nice big, fat, extra payment every month for the next 6 years. (Putting this one in the Forget-About-It-And-Leave-It-There-For-Now-Before-You-Lose-Your-Mind basket.)  It is nice to have a new car, for the first time in my life, but if it were up to me, I would have preferred using that money, towards a new mortgage payment, as this house is way too small for us all.  But, again, whatever.

Borrowed…Lot’s of money (obviously), but also a little faith, a little hope and some prayers from all of you. (If you don’t mind that is…I’ll keep them and cherish them…the prayers, I mean.)  Prayers, for my health (I have another CatScan scheduled for tomorrow) and strength to get through all the financial worries, and the physical strength to do what I need to, to take care of my family.  More importantly, prayers that I will find a renewed strength in my faith, and in myself, so that I can continue on my journey to better health.

Red, White & Blue…well….this is a good one. (Finally!)  Last Christmas, my brother gave me two concert tickets, for Bruce Springsteen’s show this Thursday.  I’ve been waiting for this seven months.  Now, I’ve been going to see him since I’m fourteen years old.  And, each time I go…I get just as excited as I was back then.  I’m crazy happy about it…and plan on using that night for me, going to dance like a crazy fool…and just have fun.  I’ll get to spend some time with my brothers, and am anticipating an evening full of laughter.  It really is great when we get to spend some time together.  At this point, I really need to have some fun.  I’ll take lots of photos…and try and post them sometime next week.

Last but not least, although I found this time to talk about myself, and ask for prayers for myself, I don’t want to forget about our buddy Angela, and all she’s been through lately. Please pray for her strength, prayers for her girls and prayers for her Mother.

Hi Buddies.  First off, let me apologize for my abrupt but rather brief hiatus from blogging…surprising, even myself, with the decision. But, I have to tell you, the doubts which I had started having as to its benefits have seemed to have been turned around.  I had been through quite a lot lately, and falling back to my “old” coping skills, I let my mind, defeat me, and hinder my goals.  I became withdrawn from all the wonderful and positive things I have in my life and basically, gave up on the thought that my life would ever take a turn for the better, and that I was “destined” to always follow the path of failure, sorrow, or some sort of debilitating grief.

Now, hold on a second, don’t go anywhere yet… This isn’t another sad, negative blog.  Some things have changed.

Now, I don’t know if it was the fact that I had some very special people, (all of you here on this site), keeping me in your prayers.  Or, if it was just knowing that I was, which has kept me going these past few weeks.  But, I believe I have found a renewed faith in myself, and in the power of prayer in general.  I’m still lacking in the religious department, but it is, slowly… returning.

I woke up this morning, took my usual drive, and as I turned the corner coming home, I saw the sunrise along the ocean.  At that moment life just felt different.  It wasn’t the usual warm summer morning, a little chilly…and suddenly, there it was.  Hope.  More than that even.  It was an overwhelming feeling that things were changing…and this time for the better, maybe even the best.  I no longer felt defeated.  I no longer had that feeling of impending doom and I suddenly felt that “things” were no longer going to be hard to cope with anymore.  Maybe God just felt, I had been given enough tribulation, that maybe, I had finally learned what I was meant to, and it was time for him to lighten my load.

I’m coming back.  It’s not just about weight loss anymore.  It’s about my happiness, my life.  I’m choosing to live it to its fullest, and live it smiling.

And, Angela…I want to thank you, for everything.  Hearing the care, the love, the smiles in your voice and knowing you were praying for me, helped me more than you’ll ever know.  Like so many people on here say…you truly are an ANGEL.

My thanks to everyone…

I don’t know what to say or blog about anymore. 

I feel as though I am just done.  Done with all the bulls***, I have had to deal with over the past few months.  Funny, I always thought, I was stronger…but I guess that is not the case.  I can’t keep trying to be part of a community that is full of hope, love, trust and faith, if those are the same exact factors, which I myself, do not have in my life.  Or rather cannot reciprocate. 

Right now, I am dying inside, I’m crying, and I cannot pull myself out of this one.  All, I can think of doing is leaving you all with some peace, and not leaving you all to read another blog about, how unhappy I am.  And yet, I didn’t just want to cowardly dissappear, leaving you all wondering if everything is okay in my life. 

I will, pop in from time to time to see how you all are doing and who knows, maybe things in my life will turn around, and I will have some positive things to say.  However, I will not, (like some people on here do), come on here under another name, and befriend others, pretending to be someone, other than who I am.  It’s sad yes, but it has happened, and I don’t want to feel like I can no longer trust a new buddy.

I am hoping that one day soon, I will come back with a renewed faith in who I am, be stronger than when I left, and continue down that road to freedom and health.  I won’t stop trying to eat right, and will continue to do whats best for my body and my family.

I wish you all the best…you can do it, (even though I couldn’t)..I will..let me just take these neccessary leaps for now.  I’ll be back, when things in my life, finally start taking a turn for the better. 

Keep up the good work everyone!  Have faith in yourselves and trust your instincts.   

Hiya, buddies.  I have been trying my best to keep reading blogs, and keep giving the best opinion I can think of.  Unfortuanately, I think I have fallen way under par. 

To make a long story short, I have gained back some weight, (not sure as to how much, because I can’t face the scale)…I seem to find each day harder to face, due to some pain I’ve been having, but because of that, I have lost much enthusiasm.

More than anything, I want to get back on track, or even to leave off where I was…full of enthusiasm, and hope, as to my future.  My life. My health. 

All I have left to say is, I hope all of my buddies are doing much better than I am, at the moment.  Hopefully, it will all come back to me.  Take care. 

Yes, I’d like to say I have….but that is not the case.  I will have to go through more tests, (catscans) for the next year and a half, before I get a clean bill of health.  I don’t have to tell you how disappointing it was to hear all that, but I’ll do it, because I have no choice.  I’m not scared, more like…angry, that I should have to worry about my life for the next year and a half.  Although, compared to many others, I should consider myself lucky, just “tough it out”, and instead of worrying, concentrate on making myself the healthiest person I can be.  You never expect something serious to happen to you, the more reason to take make my health, my life a priority, and take care of myself.  Be as strong physically, emotionally and spiritually, to be as prepared as I can, for whatever life throws my way.

Is this the post I needed to get myself back on track again?  Or, for that matter, are these the words I needed to express in order to get the support, the advice, I have been looking for for so long?  I don’t know, I am trying to be brutally honest, so that, I’m not just typing words, but looking for the help I need, not just with weight-loss, but with life.  Unresolved issues and the day-to-day dilemmas that seem to unexpectadly pop up, are what seem to drag me down and pull me away from my goals. 

It’s been a while, since I have actually put in writing, the thoughts I have had, lately.  I have actually spent the last week and a half, worrying (of course), about the doctors prognosis and trying to get myself motivated once again, to get my sorrowful ass back on this “journey”.  I am happy, (in a manner of speaking).  I do love my children and my husband, so don’t get me wrong.  But, I seem to have found every reason I could possibly find, to keep to myself…and NOT talk about all the things that have been bothering me. (I still don’t know, if I am going to post this or not…I’m tired of feeling like, I’m looking for attention).  Which, if I was to be truthful to myself, of course I am.  I wouldn’t be on-line, if I really didn’t need it.  So if I were to take a good guess,…I guess I do…I need people to give me a boost of self-esteem, tell me I’m following the right path, and if I’m not….well, to say, “Wake up you ass****, lets get it together, already”.

Lately, I seem to find every day a struggle to get through. Whether it be something as simple as cleaning the house, going for a walk, or venturing out to play with my daughter.  I’m sad, and I just don’t know why…well, I do…,but I don’t really want to broadcast my personal reasons for feeling this way over the internet….(if you could understand that).  I’m waiting patiently for that “boost”, that something that will make me feel worthy of happiness…(the way I did when I first started making this lifestyle change, actually taking care of myself, and focusing on me, and finding this site and utilizing all of its aspects was a bit euphoric).  I saw results, and felt better every day. 

So now, I’m starting to believe, it is depression. Just too much has happened in a such a short amount of time, my mind kind of just shut down.  I went through it many years ago, when my parents passed away, but I fought my way through it then…and tried to never allow it back into my life, because I remember how devestating it was for me.  They were both, my best friends, and when I say that, I mean it…they were always there for me, never judged me, and stood behind me on my decisions, and always gave me the best advice, but now they are gone, and I no longer have anyone to steer me in the right direction.   I do try, (and at my age I think I should be able to do so), but, I never seem to come up with the right answers.  Let me re-phrase that.  I do believe that I come up with the right answers to certain situations, but second-guess myself, because I allow others to make me believe I am wrong in my decisions.  Seems to be the trend in my family, everyone always thinks they are right, and me being the youngest of six, well…to go to them for advice is like, standing there waiting for someone to just push me down.

God knows it took me so long to learn that. I spent my teenage years, rebellious and hurting myself….but, once I turned 19, (thinking I was ready for marriage and a child, they stood behind me, knowing, I’m sure, that I would learn from it all…and I did. (believe me, more than you want to know…What a horrible past…, I had with my ex-husband).  But, I can never say I regret it.  I lived through it, and in the end, consider myself priviledged to have such a beautiful daughter.

I am a thinker, I constantly am thinking about ways to improve myself…not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  Over the past 16 years…I have gradually lost all my faith. I do pray for others….but, (from past experience), I feel that, and have realized that, praying for myself or my family, only leads to sorrow.  As if God, has already planned out my life for me and my children, and no matter how much prayer, or begging, I do, he couldn’t care less.  I’ve been there before…”Just have faith, your being tested, He will only give you what you can handle” …etc.)  Well, I believe, I was given more than my fair share of what I can handle, and sometimes it seems as if the load is just a little too much too bear.  Basically, I just want a short break, some time to enjoy my life, a short interim where everything is not so hard.  If only for a little while. 

I’m not worried about myself anymore….I’m worried about my children, my husband.  I love them so much, and just want to know they will be safe and happy.  What I want is an insurance policy…stating that no matter what happens to me they will all be okay…and not have to suffer the sadness I went through in my lifetime.  I think, that after all I’ve been through, He would give me at least, the comfort in knowing that those I love, will carry on the type of person, I have tried to be…the person I want my children to become; caring, loving, honest…and believers in themselves.

Sorry about that, but I just re-read my blog from this morning.  I did not, I repeat, DID NOT, lose only 5 lbs….I gained back 5!  I have fixed it, but, Phewwww!  I am still down 22 lbs. since Jan, 21, (at least since my last weigh-in).  Ohhh….nooooo, if that was the case than I’d be kicking myself in the butt, no matter how many muscles I would have to tear to do it!  LOL!…Thank you  all, though, for the many responses, inspiring and motivating!  I will do this…and see you all at the “Longest Loser Challenge”.  I’m not giving up yet!  I’ll see what the “Actual” damage is….tomorrow.

I am sitting here reading blogs, while also trying to find the motivation I seem to have lost, which seems like forever ago.  Last thing I remember, I was following the South Beach diet, and on the sixth day of Phase 1, everything went down hill.  I got sick, and I haven’t felt right since.  Every day a new problem occurs, and when it doesn’t something else seems to tear me away from my goals.  I have let everything get in my way.  I didn’t fall off the wagon, I jumped!…landed in the dirt and have been trying to grasp the reigns ever since.  Problem is, every time I finally do, I fall face first in horse sh**.  Or, should I say, it certainly feels as if I have.

I don’t believe I am looking for excuse not to do well…although even to me, it seems that way. I just can’t pull it together.  I know myself, and I can never do things half-way. It’s either all or none, and so being that I haven’t been able to commit myself to any workouts, for one pain or another…I seem to have taken the old route, and have been doing nothing.  Thankfully, I haven’t gained back all of the 27lbs. I’ve gained back….”only” 5, as of last week.  But, today I wanted to step on that dreaded scale, and wouldn’t, in fear that I may have gained back some more.

I have to pull myself together, and start getting myself back to taking care of me.  I have no choice, but to be healthy.  I may be in for a bigger fight than I even know.

Woe!………………..Hold on a minute!……………..What the hell am I doing?  Ok, first off, I had just started writing this ridiculously negative blog.  About to start revealing, my innermost thoughts about life, when I realized that I’m an ASS, plain and simple!  It wasn’t intentionally negative, and yet, when I reread it, I depressed myself.  So rather than post it, it’s off sitting somewhere, in computer purgatory, waiting to be defragged and sent to a better “place”.  Where would it have gotten me anyway?  Yes, maybe some more insight into the behavior of others and new realizations as to my vast mood swings, but it will no doubt lead to some new and exciting, bouts of depression and/or anxiety.  So now that we are clear on the fact that, I have finally realized “negativity only rears more negativity”,  I will now take a bow, bask in the applause, and feel the pride that accompanies a standing ovation.

Moving on…

So as of now, I’m taking my old, familiar route…(the one where I try to focus on the positive, laugh it off, and pretend like the shitty part of my daily life or thoughts do not exist).  Ok, ok, calm down people…that wasn’t a negative association as to who I am, but rather, we all have some things in our lives that cause us to feel stressed, worried, annoyed, let down, etc.  Let’s chalk it all up to basically feeling “crappy”.  So as not to make it totally seem as if those feelings should be pushed aside, I will allow, some bothersome thoughts to rear their ugly head, and patiently await some advice.

Bother #1…I worry.  Not like your normal kind of worry.  I worry about everything so nobody else has to.  For some reason, I play God(dess), thinking I can take on everything myself and eventually fix all problems, big and small.  I want to save everyone from any kind of pain.  Thing is, I have not been smart enough over my 30 some odd years to realize, that I am unable to do that.  God forbid I should have to see someone crying or suffering in any way, I not only cry myself, but absorb all their pain along with my own.  I live with this feeling of impending doom and have tried to figure out if there was any “one” event that led me to be this way, but as far as I can tell, I have been this way since I was a small child.  Where is Freud when you need him?  I expect he is awaiting my ascent to those “Pearly Gates“, sitting aside a nice white, satin, fluffy couch, pencil and notebook in hand.

Answer: Find a good therapist, or patiently await my final demise.

Bother #2…Fear. Fear of success. (I think.)  I have so little confidence in myself, that I am my own saboteur.  The one thing I do know it all stems from crappy thought #1.  The more I succeed, the more others expect of me.  The more, I expect of me.  Success takes time, time away from those I love, and even those who just need my help.  I wasn’t always this way, though. For example: When I raised my first daughter on my own, I worked myself into a very good position at the company I worked for.  I started at the very bottom of the totem pole, and worked my way, up to the tippy-tippy top, but I did this in only 8 hours at work, no breaks, (my choice), came home took care of my daughter, then the house, and then went back to work (at home) from 10:30p.m.-4:30p.m.  I would work through the night, to get up at 6:00 and start the “rat race” all over again.  I did this for 7 years.  What did it get me?  Hmmm, let me think….stressed, tired, weak and overweight.  On the bright side of that scenario, I was able to buy us a “little” house of our own.  Anyway, my point is, I don’t ever want to have to feel expected to give up so much of myself, or my time with my children, just to survive.  I don’t want anyone to expect that much out of me ever again…at least when it comes to financial success.  But, as far as other things in life go, I found this little quote, which I will try to recall when it comes to other aspects of my life…

Answer:  So today, I will be successful, playing outside in the pool and sprinkler, with my little girl.  I will cook, healthy meals for my family and I will focus on all the positive things and wonderful people I have in my life.

Bother#3 (The Third and most scary one of all)…I live in my own little “Procrasti-Nation”.  It seems, that I will do whatever it takes to put off the inevitable.  Now this, causes many problems for me, because I will feel as though I have let others down, as well as myself, the longer it is put off.  For instance, if my daughter asks me one more time… “Did you call the insurance company, yet?”, I will mark the spot on the Verrazano Bridge, which I intend to jump off of, the day she passes her road test.  Truth is, I have called them, and it is very expensive to put her on our auto insurance policy. (She just got her permit a few weeks ago)  She is willing to pay for it, and I believe since she can, she should…but the money is not my worry, somehow, someway, I would have found it, even if I had to print it myself.  So, who here, knows what I am worried about? (Raise your hand)  YES! I am terrified of her out on the roads, but I really have to get a grip here, because she is going to grow up no matter what I do…and if I don’t get her added soon, I do believe she will gladly cut off my head, stop traffic on Rte. 35, and offer it up to the highway Gods, like a little Mayan Chevrolet princess.

Answer: NONE

So…if anyone has anything to say that will enlighten me on this last one, I would truly appreciate it. It is only a matter of time before I need to find a long cape, mount the nearest horse and go off riding amongst the folk of Sleepy Hollow.

Hope you are all doing well and having a great start to the rest of your day!