wildflower

Yup, That’s me…it’s my new chant…LOL

I haven’t made it to the psych ward yet….so I figure, something…,anything has got to work eventually.

I was searching in the back of my closet for my trusty old straight jacket, when I stumbled across a torture tactic, which was apparently, left there by the Lucifer himself.  I could faintly hear his little giggles of accomplishment, and the slight “clinks” of champagne flutes as he toasted with his other little demon buddies, that today, is the day we finally, do her in, for good.

The story goes like this…

Friday evening, my youngest daughter awoke, and somehow managed to bang her chin on the bedrail, sending us all to the ER until 3 a.m.  During that evening in the hospital, I watched my brave little knight(ress), undergo stitches, as my husband and I held her hand and promised to take her to the “toy store”, as soon as possible, for anything her heart desired, (even if it meant refinancing our home to do so, and at that very moment, I meant it).

Yesterday, was yet again, another “tough” day.  What was supposed to be a simple procedure to remove the stitches from my little girls chin, turned into the “Cirque Du Soleil” of New Jersey.  After spending two hours in the waiting room, to see the “on-call” doctor, the whole procedure was a disaster.  I assume the “doctor” (if you want to call her that), was fairly new, because I, myself could have removed them better, faster, and less painfully then this f*$%^#g, nutcase did.  Drained, stressed, and saddened by the clowns that ran that office yesterday, not only took every little bit of energy from my daughter, but sucked all the life force from myself as well.  I don’t care what anyone says, nothing is more painful in this world, than to see your child suffer, even in the slightest.  I don’t have to tell you what I was like afterwards, do I?  But, I can tell you this, that I was not the “nice, kind, sweet person”, you all know and love.  Not one sweet thought in my head, and if the opportunity was given, I would have kicked that doctors ass, from here to eternity, without batting an eyelash.  The least she could have done was been honest with me from the start, and I would have taken my daughter somewhere else.

It’s over now though, and she is feeling better, and being the beautiful, resilient child she is…it is now just a distant memory for her.  Back to smiling, and of course, climbing anything and everything she comes across.  Only, now, I am more like her shadow, than her mother, ready to catch her at a moments notice.  Whereas, I always thought of myself too overprotective with my first daughter, and had always felt I should have learned from that, and give this little one a little more room to breathe, so to speak.  Well, that’s now out the window!  At, least ’till, my heart starts beating at a normal pace, once again.

Anyway, I’m leaving this “life experience” to fade away into the past.

Sooo…Let’s get back to the CLOSET.

What I found was a picture of myself, 17 years ago, in a bikini, running through the waves on a beach in Cancun.  At first I thought, “How the heck did this get in here?”  It had originally been packed away in the attic, a life led long ago, when I was carefree, silly (stupid, is actually a better word) and inexperienced with life in general.  A time when I was married to my first husband, whose abusive, and controlling behavior left me to believe I was not capable of living without him.  Leading me to believe at that time, that I had to look perfect all the time, and partying was what life was all about.  I grew up overweight, and once I lost 60 pounds at 14, I was married at 19, and had vowed to myself that I would never be overweight again.  So much for that vow…I had no idea then, at that time what the future “love of my life” would have in store for me, over the next 18 years, 12 of those being after we were finally divorced.  He is, though, completely, out of my life for now, and has been for almost two years now, (thank you God), but at the same time very sad for my eldest girl….as he truly hurt her, by doing so.

Well, I will tell you this…Lucifer’s plan backfired this time.  That picture made me realize some things.  One being, that since it was taken, I have been the luckiest woman alive.  I found the courage to leave his demonic pal (my ex), and although sometimes very difficult raising my first girl on my own, I thrived, took care of us, and bought a home on my own.  I later met a wonderful man who loves her as much as the beautiful little girl we have together.  I don’t miss that skinny “beach babe”, not one bit, because I’m no longer the same person.

So, yesterday, I found the courage and jumped back on the scale.  And, noooo, not the greatest news….I gained 9 pounds over the past two months. But, now it’s time to get back on course…One good thing…I still am down 18 lbs.